Ever been to a party or dinner party where every part of the evening was insufferable? Was it the food or the hosts or the fellow guests or the entertainment? Well, if you were invited to a dinner party in Ancient Rome, it would be all of them! It did not stop at the unpleasantries though, there are more bizarre horrors to come which can only be described as absolutely toe-curlingly awful.
The source
This is taken from a Roman writer called Petronius in his work Satyricon. Petronius was also the “elegantiae arbiter” (arbiter of taste or style consultant) for none other than the Emperor Nero!
The hosts
Gaius Pompeius Trimalchio is the epitome of Ancient Rome’s nouveau riche. He is a self-made man – bald, obese and weighed down with jewellery. He picks his teeth with a silver toothpick, uses a pot to urinate in at dinner, constantly discusses the state of his bowels and sings the praises of the medicinal benefits of farting. Gaius earned his millions in the shipping trade, boasts about one day buying Sicily, has a bogus coat of arms, washes his hands in perfume, weighs his wife’s jewellery against his during the party to outdo her, has his accounts read out during dinner and reads out his will in its entirety. His wife, Fortunata, is an ex-lap dancer who now runs his business affairs.
The dinner
On arrival the guest’s hands are washed in snow chilled water and their toenails trimmed by Alexandrian slave boys. The food and drink are served by an army of slaves who must sing, dance, do bird impressions and recite Trimalchio’s awful poetry whilst doing so. The food is served on silver and bronze and the wine is 100 year old Falernian (a sweet white) which is of course the most expensive you can buy.
Feeling peckish? The dinner is a gut busting twelve courses!
1st course
Bronze donkey bearing a double pannier of olives flanked by a gridiron of sausages, damsons and dormice coated with poppy seeds and honey.
2nd course
A wooden hen sitting on a nest full of peahen’s eggs, which in turn contain garden warblers cooked in spiced egg yolk.
3rd course
A zodiacal arrangement of starters hiding a surprise dish of winged hare surrounded by stuffed capons and sows’ bellies.
4th course
Whole wild boar with pastry suckling pigs filled with live thrushes.
5th course
Hog stuffed with sausages and meat puddings
6th course
Boiled calf wearing a helmet, sliced up by a slave dressed as the hero Ajax who then serves the meat on the point of his sword.
7th course
A statue of the fertility god Priapus whose paunch holds a medley of saffron squirting cakes and fruits.
8th course
An array of boneless fattened chickens served with pastry – capped goose eggs.
9th course
Thrushes made out of pastry stuffed with nuts and raisins served with quinces.
10th course
A dish of pork dressed up to look like a fattened goose garnished with birds and fish.
11th course
Water jugs full of oysters and scallops served with a gridiron of snails.
12th course
An improvised early hours addition to the menu: a rooster which had crowed early (regarded by Trimalchio as a bad omen) is slaughtered and pot roasted in wine.
Still hungry? There may well have been more courses but there are parts of the text missing!
Had enough of this party yet? Desperate to go home?
It’s still not over!
Conversation
Trimalchio finally leaves the room to visit the lavatory and relieve his constipation giving the other guests a chance to talk. One complains about the weather; another moans about food prices and how greedy people have become; one gives a long grumble about sport and how the quality of gladiatorial fights has declined; he then continues with a lecture to everyone about the importance of getting your children a good education so that they can make lots of money in a profession like law and finally one guest (who is quite the worse for wear from drink) rants on about how young people don’t respect their elders anymore.
Nothing much changes eh?
Entertainment
Actors and acrobats between courses. Trimalchio towards the end becomes maudlin and speaks about his death and burial. He of course requires a magnificent mausoleum and an epitaph that has the size of his fortune of 30 million sesterces (currency of Ancient Rome) engraved on it. He then orders his slaves to create his own funeral for him and his guests to watch, which Petronius comments is “enough to make you spew”. The slaves obey with Gusto and make such a noise that the whole neighbourhood is woken up and the city watch called as they think there is a fire. They smash down the door with axes and this is your chance to escape in the confusion …realising that your aunt and uncle’s 40th wedding anniversary party wasn’t so bad after all!